Movie Muhwednesday: The Expendables – 7-out-of-10 T’s


Lets play a game: I’ll name a restaurant, and you’ll say what you’d get if you went there.

Fazoli’s

You’ll probably say something like “the lasagna”, or “chicken fetuccini”. You’re less likely to order the steak.

Texas Roadhouse

Flipping that situation, you’d maybe say “a t-bone” or “the sirloin”. Probably not the lasagna.

That thinking is why I’m flabbergasted when I see that The Expendables has a 39% on Rotten Tomatoes.

What the crap, guys?

When I go to a restaurant, I get what that restaurant is good at. When I go to a movie, I want to see what the filmmakers are good at. If I don’t want lasagna, I won’t go to Fazoli’s; if I don’t want to see Dolph Lundren blow a pirate in half in the first five minutes of a movie, I’m not going to go see The Expendables.

But I did want to see that, and I was not disappointed.

The Expendables could have been better, yes, but it was hardly a disappointment because I knew what I was in for. What I wanted was crazy, mind bending explosions and fist fights between the action heroes of my childhood and adolescence. What I wanted was Terry Crews wielding a tommy gun-shotgun that fired exploding rounds and blew up bad guys.

Delivered

What I wanted was to see Sylvester Stallone and Dolph Lundgren on screen together again for the first time in 25 years.

Delivered

I wanted to see Jet Li shoot people in the face while being all short and Asian and kung-fooey.

Delivered

And I wanted to see Jason Statham throw knives through people.

Frikkin’ delivered

We were never promised anything but that. This movie was not supposed to be Bourne Identity-complicated, or full of Rocky 1-and-2 character development. This was supposed to be a movie full of good guys, bad guys, a beautiful woman or two, and punching.

Lots and lots of punching.

This movie was fun. I have a little problem with SPOILER IN INVISO-TEXT!!! the name because none of the guys actually die, bringing their actual expendability in to question END SPOILER!!!, but that’s really minor. I paid to see it twice, and I’m going to buy this movie when it’s BluRayified.

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