The Hetero Man-Crush

You have one. Don’t even try to deny it. You might be able to if you don’t know what it is, but you have one even then. If you didn’t know the word ‘pancreas’ it wouldn’t matter because you have one anyway. And just like in High School Biology when you first learned and then forgot what your pancreas does, I’m here to learn ya.

The Hetero Man-Crush is exactly that: an entirely platonic crush, which means no matter what the subject of your affections does, you’re cool with and will support with more verve and fervor than you would if you weren’t totally crushing on them, OMG.

It can take many forms. The least severe are forms of mild idolization: “Did you see that catch he made? That was legendary, man!” “Dude, he was so frikkin’ buff in that movie, he could have strangled a lion barehanded!” “If they could figure out a way to put an engine in a bathtub, he’d still win on Indy weekend.”

More severe are the hardcore fans: “They should build a statue out of solid bronze, like in Rocky or something!” “Look, he’s the greatest quarterback of all time, period.” “How could he not win an Oscar for that? He was WAAAAAY better than John Malkovich!”

Then, there’s the straight-up crazies. There aren’t any quotes for this, as any disagreement as to the sheer-goditude of their man-crush results in the sound of fist-meets-face (mostly found in sports bars).

Well, I’ve found mine. It took 24 years, but I found him.

BEHOLD

I think I’m somewhere in the middle on this one. Obviously, I think he’s better than John Malkovich (but I don’t understand why people pay that hack money to be in movies at all). Tom Selleck, on the other hand, is frikkin’ legendary, and that mustache is Epic Tier.

I first saw Tom in “Three Men and a Baby”, which was directed by Mr. Spock and awesome. I never saw “Magnum PI”, which I’m planning to remedy soon, but apparently America agreed with me because it was one of the most critically acclaimed shows of the 80′s.


America couldn’t get enough of this.

How did this come about? I’ll tell you.

I love westerns. I’ve got several dozen of them, and I’m working my way down from the more famous (“The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”, “Once Upon a Time in the West”, “High Noon”) to the more obscure (“Beyond the Law”, “Last Stand at Sabre River”, “Conagher”)… and that’s where I found it. A three-movie Tom Selleck Western Pack.

I’ve watched them all. And I knew.

Now, I’m picking up everything he’s ever been in ever (except “Friends” cause I freaking hated Friends when it was on TV, there’s no way I’m going to buy it) that I can easily lay my hands on.

Did you know he was going to be Indiana Jones, but he couldn’t get out of doing Magnum PI? Well, he COULD have, but he decided to honor his contract.

What a guy.

He’s apparently pretty nice, too, and a hard worker, and everyone who’s ever met him and talked about it says he’s awesome. So he’s not one of those nancy-boy actors who wishes they were European, and can’t eat red M&M;’s, and if the sun is too bright they won’t go outside. He’s also a member of the NRA. This just gets better and better.

Do you have any idea how many pictures there are of him without a shirt on? Neither did I, but just know: it’s a bunch.

So, there you go. I admit to my Man-Crush. And if anyone says anything even remotely disparaging, I will hunt you down and make you kiss a picture of his mustache.

TONY OUT.

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