Oz-ZNA: the key to humanity’s immortality

Apparently, Ozzy Osbourne’s genetics might hold the key to finding out why he’s still as together as he his after decades of drugs and World of Warcraft, when so many other rock stars and everyday folks have succumbed to death’s sweet embrace.

Though not entirely unscathed, is our dear Ozzy.


I mean, yeah, okay, he’s still alive, but there are three people on the planet who understand anything he says, and I even doubt those three. Sharon could be making up everything when she translates for him, and we’d never know the difference, and he probably wouldn’t either.

He put it on his knuckles in case he forgot, I guess.

But, credit where credit is due: I think he’s still breathing, and that something that John Belushi, Steve Clark, Paul Butterfield, and about 13 bazillion other musicians/famous people cannot claim.

What I can’t believe is that someone put these things together and thought this would be a good idea to spend money on. Apparently Ozzy is paying to have his DNA mapped out, which I get, because he’s a frikkin’ rock star and the Prince of Darkness and wipes with £100 bills (or whatever they call money in London… notes? Eh.) but there’s a group of people who are going to be toiling over Ozzy’s helixes day and night to see if there’s a correlation between him being NOT DEAD and whether or not his DNA has anything to do with it.

I actually hope there kind of is. How awesome would that be: the front man for Black Sabbath has some kind of genetic mutation that could make humanity immune to disease, or maybe make us think bats are delicious.

Or frogs.

Someone get the man something to chew on! Please!

Or something.
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