Engineering our own destruction, pt. 2

Here at Your Daily Dose of Vitamin T, we (and by that I mean “I”) care greatly about the human race. Some (meaning “one”) of our (meaning “my”) previous posts dealt specifically with the way we’re being completely moronic and engineering our own destruction.

Everyone here (“me” again) is a member of the human race, so we (“I”) have a vested interest in our (mostly “my”) continued survival. Therefore, here’s another blog post about how were getting closer and closer death machines that look like Governors.

“I could crush you like a grape, meat bag.”

The last method was via genetic tampering; this time it’s with robots.

Note: I had heard of several of these on my own, but the latest issue of Popular Science put them all in one spot and it finally hit me about how screwed we are. Check that out here, and here’s the picture on the cover:

… holy socks.

I totally ganked pretty much everything about this from that PopSci article (it’s even titled “The Terminator Scenario”), but they didn’t do as much justice to the… gravity of the situation as I felt it warranted. I have thus filtered it through myself, and here’s what you get.

Grenade-bot (Samsung Techwin SGR-1)

While this one has the most destructive power, it’s probably the least scary on the list: we’ve been launching explosives with robots for years now. What this guy does is guard the borders of South Korea, and it’s capable of identifying intruders and then starts tossing explosives at them. Whether that means it can distinguish between people that are supposed to be there and people who aren’t, I don’t know, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that it doesn’t start exploding the countryside every time it sees a squirrel.

BWAHAHAHA!

And that might be a mistake.

Punch-bot (University of Jlubljana/Epson Punching Robot)

Deciding that robots who can fire grenades and missiles and clouds of red-hot shrapnelly death weren’t personal enough, they’ve created one that can get all up in your bidness and go Ali on your face.

STING LIKE A BEEEEEEE!

This guy is a “repurposed assembly-line device capable of inflicting multiple blows of increasing intensity in order to analyze degrees of human pain.”

And he’s not the worst one.

Stab-bot (German Aerospace Agency Stabbing Robot)

I can only imagine the meetings where people proposed these machines:

“Did you hear about those douchebags at Julooblejana/Epson?”

“You mean the punching robot?”

“Yeah.”

“YES. $#@%.”

“I know, right? It completely demolishes the need for our slapping robot.”

“You know what? We should one-up them.”

“How?”

“STABBING ROBOT.”

“… the grant checks write themselves.”

Or so I imagine.

It is designed for “soft tissue injury research purposes, to cut humans using such devices at a steak knife, scissors, or a screwdriver.” They’re not even trying to hide the purpose by saying it’s for medical research or whatever: this guy has one job in life, and that’s to shank punks in the shower.

And he’s not the worst one.

Veggie-bot (Robotic Technology EATR (Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot))

You’d think the scariest part about this guy is that he has an arm, all-terrain wheels and a chainsaw. I mean, that’s pretty scary, right? He can chase you anywhere, grab you, and then chainsaw your face off.

You’d be wrong: that EATR is more than just a funny acronym, it’s a terrifyingly appropriate acronym.

It’s still in the planning phase, but if it ever comes to fruition the EATR is designed to fuel itself on twigs and leaves. This robot is an herbivore. Out in the field, where gas might be hard to come by, it can use that chain saw to cut up a tree, use the arm to grab the cut-up tree, and then feed itself the cut-up tree.

It’s a robot that eats.

AND THAT’S NOT THE WORST ONE.

Carni-bot (University of the West of England Slugbot)

EATR eats plants? Screw plants. Plants are for wussies. Little girls and rabbits eat plants. Nobody likes rabbits. You know what eats rabbits? Frikkin’ WOLVES.

The slugbot cannot eat other, smaller, plant-eating robots. What it can eat is slugs.

It eats meat.

It’s a “proposed anti-slug gardening device capable of surviving solely on a diet of decomposing flesh.”

Just… ponder that for a while.

I’m going to go drown my fears in a pizza, and lament our impending annihilation.

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