And now I look like a beluga whale

It happens to every guy: you’ve spent months cultivating an entire face-full of beard, and something comes along that makes you feel you should get rid of it. A wedding, or warm weather, or even just the inexplicable notion that “I’m tired of this, I want something new.”

Statistics show* that 73% of men regret shaving their facial hair off within 5 minutes of doing it. I am a member of that 73%.

For some reason, I have given you
the “after” before the “before”.

I believe this to be a subconcious desire
for you to end on a happy note.
You can thank me later.

 The reason behind this change (which shall heretofore be referred to as “The Beluganing”) was twofold.

Firstly was that I have lost some weight in the last several months: the world of Nov. 2011 has 25 pounds less Tony in it than July 2011; I consider this to be an improvent to the world. ** I had hoped that some of that weight had come out of my face. This hope proved fruitless.

The second reason behind The Beluganing was that I am participating in Movember, which I talked about in my previous post. Basically, I’m growing a moustache during November and raising funds to battle prostate cancer (current money raised: $0.00 American; still working on that), and the rules are that you need to start the month out clean shaven and cultivate as the month progresses.

I’ve already come this far; I may as well see this thing through. And in the interest of science, as I removed the hair from my face, I tried out a few looks that I haven’t used before.

Exhibit A: the Control Group

 Aside from a little patchiness on the cheeks, I think this is a good look for me. So good, here’s another shot for you to enjoy:

 Look at that. That’s beautiful. I miss it.

Exhibit B: The Wolverinening

Landscaping of only the chin results in a mustache met by sideburns, a style that was very popular during the Civil war, and by certain very short comic-book mutants with knives what come froms their fistses. I ran out of clean knives, so I used what was available for this picture.

This is a look I intend to return to down the line. I like what this does for me.

A Note from The Management: the presence of the Soul Patch (that bit left under the lower lip) is completely optional, but I’ve developed a stronger-than-average emotional attachment to mine so I decided to keep it for as long as possible. The following exhibits and descriptions are strictly for the areas directly connected to the upper lip. As more face becomes visible, the presence of the Patch becomes more obvious. Please ignore in regards to descriptions. Thank you.

Exhibit C: The Horseshoe

This is an old standby for me. I come back to this one often. Popularized by Hulk Hogan and truckers the world over, the Horseshoe harkens back to days of ranch life when men could be men and do stuff like punch cows and fart with abandon without womenfolk getting all up in a tizzy.***

Exhibit D: The Chevron

Basically a shorter horseshoe. A hybrid of two styles, a mutt of a ‘stache, but with benefits unique to itself. Never tried this; another future option.

Exhibit E: The Standard

No frills, no frippery: this is your basic model moustache. If it were a car, there’d be no power windows, a radio with a tape deck (maybe), decent-but-not-stellar gas mileage, and air conditioning if you’re lucky… but it still gets you where you need to go, gets the job done. Me, I like to have air conditioning. I rarely use it, but it’s nice to know that it’s there.  I’ll probably never use this style for any length of time, unless I join the Navy or something.****

Exhibit F: The Chaplin

This style has been lost to time, and is unavailable (except as a joke) for anyone born after 1940. This is a tragedy, and this style can now only be seen for 5-minute segments in bathrooms around the world, before they are forever relegated to the garbage bin.

I did discover that stern looks come naturally to this style. You can’t really help it: you just look like you need to be scolding someone.

Exhibit G: The Prank’d

I was running out of hair to sculpt, so this was very much a last ditch option. Seen only during “The Morning After”, people wearing this style do not do so by choice. It is a punishment for getting too trashed. Smart men only wear it once, and smarter men not at all.

Exhibit H: The Soul Patch

This is a last resort, a final holdout before full scale Beluganing gets you with it’s meaty fingers. Once this is gone, I will be clean shaven. I did some math: the last time I was full-on, naked-faced honest-to-goodness clean shaven was exactly 850 days ago, on July 4, 2009, when I got my job at the newspaper.

She (for I view the Patch as a female entity, like my car, motorcycle, and desktop computer) has been good to me, and I hate to see her go… but it’s for the fight against cancer. She’ll understand.

Conclusion: A Terrible, Terrible Mistake

What the crap happened?! There are waaaay too many chins there, you could play a game of football on my upper lip, and my eyes look like they’ve been infected with Viral Conjuntivitis. This is awful.

BUT THE DEED HAS BEEN DONE. The lawn has been torn up, the house demolished, the Great Wall destroyed. The only thing left to do is rebuild… and rebuild I shall. Sticking to my guns, I shall spend the next month growing a Moustache for the Ages. Hopefully I don’t look quite so stupid in the meantime.

Thank you for viewing. If you would like to donate and help me and thousands of other men around the world beat the crap out of prostate cancer, check out my Movember page and toss a couple bucks, or even some change, in my direction:

*I have no statistics. Saying that there are, and that I have access to them, is a fabrication. Refunds will be offered on the way out.*****

**The ideal amount of Tony MacKenzie on any planet at any time resides somewhere in the realm between 180 and 225 pounds, depending on the percentage of muscle in the equation. The subtext of this is that there CAN be multiple Tony MacKenzies within the Universe, as long as they occupy different planets, or at least not the exact same space at the same time. The cloning will reach testing phase within a few months.

***Not a lot of people liked this arrangement, so it was changed as quickly as possible for the betterment of humanity, but sometimes it’s fun to remember.


*****You have paid me nothing, therefore you get no refunds you freeloaders.

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One Response to And now I look like a beluga whale

  1. Dan Williams says:

    Tony, this article was not only very informative, but a joy to read. I’ve officially bookmarked your site.

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