The reason for the lack of updates

Turns out I’m not sure who owns my blog. I have blogged on company time, and it therefore may be the property of my employer… but I’ve paid money for the domain, and I also blog outside of work. It’s all very confusing.

So, in the interest of trying to keep the ownership of something I enjoy, I’m holding off until some things become clear. Please bear with me, and pardon the absence.


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Movie Muhfriday – Thor – 9-out-of-10 T’s

Oh, hey, look: a blog! It’s kind of dusty in here.

So I went and saw Thor last night. It was a midnight show in Huber Heights. Aside from three things that made the night a little less than 100% awesome. Here they are:

1. It was a midnight show.

I’m not in college anymore. I’m only 24 years old, and I feel like an old man because the thought of a midnight show immediately makes me think about how I’ve got to be to work at 9 a.m.

I never worried about that in college.

I went anyway. I am now quite sleepy.

2. It was in Huber Heights.

I don’t like the Huber Heights. It’s a 45 minute drive, and while the place is big (really, it’s quite a nice theater), the difference between “big enough” and “really frackin’ huge” surpasses my curve of diminishing returns. “Big enough” would have been… big enough.

I only went to Huber because of the people I was going with, and we had a good time… but we didn’t get back until 3 a.m. and I wasn’t twice as blown away just because the theater was twice as big.

3. Tickets were $14.

THAT’S RETARDED. I’mma tell you right now, you don’t need to see Thor in 3D. It’s not a bad transfer: it’s actually quite good. It’s just unnecessary, like Smell-o-Vision. And you know what else is unnecessary? The $7 extra that I paid to see it in 3D in an overpriced theater. (Jason, I’m looking at you: we’re going to see the next movie in Piqua. DEAD SERIOUS.)

Now, about the movie:

Everything works. I loved it. I may do a more in-depth review when I have the time, but for now, just know that I enjoyed the film very much, and I think that you will too. You don’t need to like comics to like this film, but if you’re a fan of Thor-the-superhero, you’re going to see some things in this movie that strike your fanboy-bone at just the right angle.

The actors were excellent. I was a little worried about some of the choices going in, but those fears have been put to rest. Aside from Kat Dennings’ character (who was technically pointless, but a harmless addition whose presence didn’t detract from the film) and a bit of a nod to the Avengers with a character who was totally shoe-horned in (again, harmless, but you can tell they added that bit later on in production), this was a great movie.

It’s a little short on eye candy for the guys,
but there’s plenty of stuff like this for the ladies.

It was fun. Something that these movies should always be.

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The best picture I’ve ever taken

Photography isn’t a difficult thing to wrap your head around: you point the camera, press the button, and magic happens. I’ve never been particularly enamored with photography (except for this one time in 7th grade where I spent a couple hundred bucks on a camera instead of a drum set. Stellar choice, Young-Me! Really: aces!), so the fact that it’s a part of my job now is just another example of the cosmic irony that pervades my life.


I have, on occasion, taken a picture or two that I thought were of exceptional quality. Photos that I was proud of, that looked good, got the point across, and that I figured would pretty much earn me a Pulitzer.

I have thus far been mistaken on all counts. People don’t even mention those photos. And when people DO talk about any of the pics I’ve taken, it’s the ones that I didn’t think about because it was for a fluff piece. For example:

My Best Known Work

That. Look at that. It’s… a man in a taco suit. When I took that picture, I was pretty much on autopilot. I wasn’t thinking about anything but the free food I was getting (it was the grand opening of this Taco Bell and they were giving away value meals), so I was just pointing and clicking to fulfill my obligation: take the pictures, get some facts and food, and go home.

People raved about that picture. My grandma loved it so much it’s STILL, over a year later, hanging on her fridge.

Hey, man, I’ll take it. Like anyone who accidentally did something that other people figure is pretty cool, I’ll accept the 15 minutes and get on with my life. I still don’t get it, but I love my grandma and it makes her smile to look at the pic so I’m proud of it.

But the picture that this blog post is about does not contain Taco Man. It’s a picture that probably won’t be put in the paper when the article runs on Thursday, for multiple reasons that I understand and accept… but that doesn’t take away from the fact that this is an amazing photograph that must be shared. Here it is:

In all it’s glory

Over the weekend, several dozen volunteers got together to help clean up a trail that will eventually go from one end of the county to the other. There’s plenty of terrain to clean up, so the more volunteers they get, the better. I went and took pitchas.

In case you don’t automatically understand WHY that picture is so amazing, I’ll lay it out for you plain:

1. It’s busy. There’s a fore-, middle- and back-ground with different things going on, and it engages the eye.

2. It isn’t blurry. Our cameras are hardly “top-o’-the-line”, so when the fates convene and decide to make a picture work, it is a glorious occasion.

3. These guys:

Look at them. I’m serious, scroll back up and give them a good, hard look.

That’s a look of determination, and a walk with a purpose. Two men, kitted out with a goal in mind, and they will let NOTHING stop them from achieving their task. Their footgear, clothing, safety glasses all scream “We’re here to do a job”, and if there was any doubt as to what that job was, the presence of a chainsaw and branch cutter lay those doubts to rest. And what’s that? There’s even gas to keep the chainsaw going in case the job proves so demanding that they need to refuel!

No tree could withstand these two men, who are about to do their level best to tame the encroaching wild.

My favorite part, though? This:

God Bless America

He’s got a stogie. HE’S GOT A STOGIE. He’s not even smoking it! It’s just there to be there, like the it’s another tool for the job. “Gloves? Glasses? Chainsaw? Check, check and check. Stogie?”

Big ol’ check

It’s just… I don’t know this guy’s name, and that’s kind of necessary for it to be in the paper. No one but me would appreciate this picture if I didn’t have an outlet like this from which to share.

Thank you for being a part of this.

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Pics from my trip to the mountains

In lieu of an actual post with actual content, here is a link with pictures from my vacation. Most of the pictures have a commentary of some kind, so enjoy. Be entertained, ye unwashed masses.


And here’s a small taste of what you’ll get…




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Movie Muhsaturday – Suckerpunch – 8-out-of-10 T’s

So, I spent the last 3 hours writing out this excellent review of this movie, and now it’s gone. I hate the world right now. This movie, on the other hand, was pretty good. I refuse to re-write all of that. I’m sorry. Here’s a picture of the cast, who are all pretty hot.

Now, I’m going to go punch some kittens.

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A summer filled with potential…

This year… is looking to be a good year for movies. A friend of mine in the office, who I can comfortably geek out with about things like this, just sat with me and helped me come up with a list of films we absolutely MUST SEE this year. I’ve decided to provide that list of films here, each followed with a short explaination as to why I’m friggidy-freakin’ out about ‘em. Click the link for their trailers (if I can find one)!

March 25 – Suckerpunch

I really like the director (300, Watchmen, Legend of the Guardians), and this is the first time he’s done a movie that isn’t based on a comic or children’s book. If you watched that trailer, you saw ninja schoolgirls fighting giant robots and samurai and dragons with swords and guns. The plot can be utterly retarded, and I’d still love it just because of that.

April 29 - Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

A detective who works for the undead? Sign me up, kids. I love detective stuff, I love paranormal stuff, and they look like they’d taste great together.

May 6 - Thor

I don’t have a choice here. I mean, I do, but I don’t. I have my misgivings about the trailers that I’ve seen, but it still looks like it could be a decent film. Fingers crossed.

May 20 - The Beaver/Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Here’s our first Two-Movies-That-Must-Be-Seen (TMTMBS) Weekend!

The Beaver stars Mel Gibson, directed by Jodie Foster, and Mel’s character is a depressed, probably a little crazy, married man who discovers a beaver puppet that helps him work through his problems. The script was apparently amazing, I love Mel (even if he is going nuts in real life), and this looks awesome.

Parts of the 3rd movie aside, Pirates of the Caribbean has been one of the most consistently good franchises since the first film came out. Plus, Ian McShane as Blackbeard? Heck yeah.

May 26 - Kung Fu Panda 2/Hangover 2

TMTMBS Weekend Part II!

I saw the first Kung Fu Panda in theaters about 7 times. I don’t think that number is an exaggeration at all. In my mind, it was the first time that Dreamworks Animation produced something that was even slightly close to anything by Pixar in terms of quality, and I loved it. I’m hoping they can continue that.

The Hangover was a ridiculous romp that came out of nowhere and smashed you in the face with how fun it was. Nobody thought this movie was going to do anything close to what it did… and again, I want to see if they can make magic twice.

June 3 - X-Men: First Class

The last two entries in this series (X-Men 3 and Wolverine) both sucked. But with a new director, new direction, new cast of characters (mostly), excellent group of actors… I’ll give them another shot. (Even though I’ve never really been fond of the X-Men.)

June 10 - Super 8

Looks good. I like pretty much everything this director has done (Alias tv series, Cloverfield, Star Trek), and this looks like fun.

June 17 - Green Lantern/Mr. Popper’s Penguins

TMTMBS Weekend Part III!

I enjoy Ryan Reynolds as an actor. He does good work. I think he’d make a better Flash than Green Lantern, but we’ll see how this movie goes. I’m excited to see one of my favorite super heroes on screen, and I’ve heard good things about the plot.

Mr. Popper’s Penguins stars Jim Carrey as a guy who gets a penguin in the mail. Then he gets a second one, a female this time, to keep the first one company. They have babies. Now, Mr. Popper has many many penguins. This was a children’s book that I adored, and while I wouldn’t have thought “Jim Carrey” to play him, it is not a choice I’m upset with. Nostalgia dictates I see this film.

June 24 - Cars 2

Easily the weakest addition to Pixar’s pantheon of stellarness, Cars mostly creeped me out (I’ll talk about why later). That said, it was still a good movie, just not, say, Finding Nemo-good. Or even Bugs Life-good. Definitely not Incredibles- or Toy Story-good… but not bad. It was a mere Triple as opposed to their usual Home Runs, and a triple is still something I’ll gladly pay to see.

July 1 - Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Transformers has been like an abusive relationship. The first one didn’t rape my childhood as much as it… I dunno, made my childhood put on a bathing suit and run through the sprinklers. A little off, but nothing really wrong.

The second one sucked. The end.

They’ve said that they understand what they did wrong, and are trying to do better this time. And like a fool, I sort of believe them. If they hit me again, though… I’mma Lorena Bobbitt those monsters.

July 15 - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II

If you read my review of the first one, you know why I need to see this.

July 22 - Captain America: The First Avenger

AAAAAHHHH! Oh, good gravy. I’ve been wanting to see this film since I was a child. I could never understand why it’s been so hard to do correctly, but I know the director can do old-timey settings (he did The Rocketeer for pete’s sake, which was amazing) and I have faith in the cast.

July 29 - Cowboys and Aliens

Maybe Harrison Ford will stop his sucking-streak and start acting like an actor again. Plus, that premise just looks… exciting. I love westerns.

August 19 - Conan the Barbarian

Iffy here. I’m unimpressed by the trailer, and the guy playing Conan used to be on Baywatch. That said, I love Conan. The stories (cause the entire franchise is based on a whole bunch of short stories that are awesome) blew my mind. So, again, I’m hoping this won’t suck.

October 7 - Real Steel

After a few months of boring looking stuff, we have Hugh Jackman as a trainer to a boxing robot? What’s not to love?

Dec 16 - Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol/Sherlock Holmes

TMTMBS Weekend Part IV (after another couple-month-long dry spell)!

I want Tom Cruise to not be crazy anymore. I want him to get on screen and look like he’s having fun, like he did with Risky Business, Top Gun, Jerry McGuire. He’s a good actor. Also, again, there’s a good director, and hey! Simon Pegg is in it! Yay!

The first Sherlock Holmes was excellent, love the director, love the actors… another hoping-for-lightning-in-a-bottle situation.

So! There you go. That was a long one, and I hope we get at least a few gems out of that.

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That’ll really clench you up -or- My First Bachelor Party

One of my best friends got married a few weeks ago, and I was one of the groomsmen. This is the first time that honor has been bestowed on this humble Scots-American, so I was unaware of some of the responsibilities that go along with it, like prettifying the getaway car with paint and cans and stuff. That’s cool, nothing I can’t handle. But, it also fell to me to handle some matters of bidness that usually are amongst the purview of the head groomsman, or Best Man.

I assume they get a name tag or something

There was this whole big thing with the ACTUAL best man, which I won’t get into here in the interest of brevity (I kind of end up the hero of the story which might make people think I’m tooting my own horn which I totally don’t ever do cause I’m so modest, and also makes me look like a bit of a jerk and I don’t want to ruin people’s glowing opinion of me), so we’ll just skip straight to the end and get to the part where I had to plan out the Bachelor Party in about 24 hours.


I made some phone calls, got the okay from some of the attendees, burned a bridge or two, and, ultimately, succeeded in my very short time span. What follows is The Plan, and then what actually happened after each individual item.

Part 1

The Plan: Gather everyone

The Execution: Things almost fell through right here. The Groom nearly had to cancel on us, which would have put a real damper on the rest of the night: can’t have a Bachelor Party without the groom, amirite? But he showed up, we got everyone else, and got the night started.

Outcome: Success!

Part 2

The Plan: Drive to Cincinnati

The Execution: Aside from some initial hiccups where my passengers couldn’t decide if they wanted to drive from the back seat, this was a glowing success. We got some gas, made it to Cincy, it was all peaches and gravy.

Outcome: Success!

Part 3

The Plan: Go to the top of Carew Tower and get some perspective

The Execution: We got there later in the night than I would have liked, but with plenty of time to get up top. We were almost stymied by an elevator that refused to elevate, but a nice security guard let us in on the fact that a key was needed after a certain time, and that someone would be by shortly to help us with our ascension.

Once we got up top to the observation deck, 49 stories up, admiring the view, the groom turned to me and said:

“This might be a bad time to mention that I have a thing with heights.”

First I was all

but then I was all

I’d been to the top of the Empire State Building with this man, and he didn’t mention a thing then. He quickly backpedaled and said it wasn’t a BIG thing with heights, which was evident by his lack of being huddled in a corner crying, but it just goes to show that people can surprise you even after you’ve known them for years.

On the way down, the Groom suggested we take the stairs; all 49 floors, an estimated 1,000+ steps.

It’s his party, and we’ll walk if he wants to.

One of our number had to stop halfway down and take the elevator the rest of the way (he was huffing rather puffily), but the rest of us made it down with nary a hitch (though every bathroom was locked and one guy reallyreallyreally needed to pee, and we exited the stairwell on the wrong floor… twice). We then couldn’t locate our huffy-puffy friend.

“Pardon me, guardsman,” I said to the aforementioned security-fellow. “Have you seen a disheveled portly man come this way?”

Alas, he had not. We found our compatriot soon after, seated and attempting to call us. Together again, we exited the building and went back to the car.

(Epilogue: That same fellow then started quoting a movie or comedy sketch he’d seen recently, and blurted “I started to masturbate, but then I lost interest” right as we pulled up to the lady in the pay station to exit the parking garage. She held it together until we started pulling away, and then facepalmed so hard I thought she was going to hurt herself.)

Outcome: Success! (Mostly.)

Part 4

The Plan: A night of Jazz, Cajun Food, and Good Company.

The Execution: Well, one out of three ain’t bad.

In all my planning, I hadn’t thought of making reservations. When we got to the restaurant, which had live music and Cajun food,  it turns out that the wait would have been something like 2-and-a-half hours.


So, we found a place to park and walked around the area surrounding the Newport Aquarium, looking for a place to eat.

Nearly all of them had a wait of more than 2 hours, except for a place called “Bulldogs”, which wasn’t exactly turning people away, but neither did they sugarcoat that they only had three servers who were also acting as bartenders. The wait would be about half an hour.

It was the best thing we’d heard all night.

We were seated and promptly ignored for about 15 minutes, before a lovely young woman looked our way and asked if we’d been helped. When we told her that we hadn’t she sprang in to action and gave us Cokes filled with free alcohol, ensuring that she got a marvelous tip.

It’s the best kind!

The food was decent. The drinks were delicious. The company was excellent. I’m thinking of making some additions to my card…

Something like this, maybe

Outcome: Success.

After that, we drove back and watched an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on a TV that I would totally take out for a nice steak dinner (it was beautiful), laughing ourselves into a sleepy stupor.

All in all, we had a good night.

Oh, and the title of this lengthy post refers to the bathroom at that restaurant: the door on the stall wouldn’t close, and so a dude walked in on me while I was pooping.

Like it says: that’ll really clench you up.

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Eating like a caveman

So, have you ever said you were going to do something and then lost the urge?

Yeah. Pretend that this first part is a scathing review of motivational posters and how they don’t really motivate. The best thing to come out of motivational posters is a format that the Internet can make fun of.

See? Hilarious.

In other news on the Tony-Front, I’ve recently found something that really appeals to me, but I’ve been hesitant to talk about because I live in a farming community. It’s called the Paleo Lifestyle.

You may have heard of it: it’s received some coverage from the New York Times, there was a Nightline Special a few weeks ago (here’s a link so you can watch it), and basically everyone is calling it “the Caveman Diet”, which simultaneously sums it up and makes it something silly (like calling veganism “the bunny food diet” or whatever).

This poor guy looks like he has enough problems
without people making fun of him.

Basically, the point is this: we’ve been putting crap into our bodies ever since the Agricultural Revolution, and that’s not what we’re meant to be eating. It’s gotten exponentially worse in the last century with the invention of all the chemicals on the backs of labels that you can’t pronounce.

Say what now?

We aren’t meant to be eating that stuff, so it’s no surprise that America is getting crazy fat and dying from diabetes and driving everywhere on Rascal Scooters.


The Paleo Lifestyle is an attempt to get back to our roots. Whether you believe in Adam or Evolution, it’s something that everyone ought to be able to agree on: it’s only recently that we’ve started pounding high-fructose corn syrup and Big Macs, and so it’s only recently that diabetes and obesity have become the fastest growing causes of death in America.

The goal? Eat stuff without labels: vegetables and fruits that haven’t been treated with preservatives and shoved into cans for months, meat that doesn’t come between two buns and covered in ketchup, and fluids that aren’t 50% sugar.

It makes sense to me, and pretty much gets past my BS-o-meter.

I mentioned Scientology and it just went off.

So, I’ve been trying it out, and I like it so far. I’ve been avoiding grains (which is something that Paleo-ers really push, but I don’t really want to talk about since Ohio’s leading industry is agriculture and I don’t want my ENTIRE home town to hate me) and fast food, haven’t been drinking much pop, and I’m feeling good. I’ve been waiting for the weather to get nicer before I start exercising, and the Weather-App on my phone is telling me promises about the next few weeks…

And you wouldn’t lie to me, would you, WeatherBug?

This is it, guys. I don’t think I’ll ever be anything but a fuzzy, mustachioed man-mountain… but I can be a fuzzy, mustachioed man-mountain with SMALLER PANTS.

That’s the dream.

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I hate motivational posters: a Prologue

The entire premise annoys me. Motivational anything ticks me off, and I’ll tell you about it later (gotta leave Work for my shift at Other Work), but for right  now here’s a quote that I actually found quite (wait for it…) MOTIVATIONAL.

Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming: “WOW! What a ride!” – Unknown

I gotta start living that.

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My further delves into social media

I would like to draw your attention to the right side of this page. You will notice two new additions:

1.) “Subscribe to get email updates!”

Are you afraid that you may miss my infrequent updates? When they finally happen, you can allay those well-grounded fears by signing up to get email updates as soon as I hit “Publish”. You will find an email, lovingly crafted and made just for you, inside your inbox almost instantaneously. But hey, don’t take my word for it!

“The email notification system has really changed my life! Before I would have to check 10 to 12 times a day hoping, nay praying, that there would be a new post of hilarious goodness spewed from Vitamin T. Now, my handy dandy email alerts me immediately and even conveniently posts the link in the email for me to clickity-click. Awesome!!! Truly technology has come thru once again and delivered greatness. Thank you internet but, more importantly, thank you Tony MacKenzie.” - Jason from Ohio

You’re welcome Jason. You’re welcome.

You have my word as a Tony (stronger than adamantium, tastes like fresh cookies) that your information will be kept safe, and I will never send you the spams.

Sign up today!

2.) “Yes, I twit.”

I have joined the Twitter. I’ve started following celebrities and friends, but I, of course, need more. If you twit as well, holler @me and we shall twit… together.


I am also on the Facebooks, but that’s nothing new. I’ll post more if I ever get on, I dunno, mySpace again.

HAH! Heh… mySpace.


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